All I Ever Wanted
by Karateprincess67
Summary: This is a companion piece to "Champange High" because I thought Mac needed to have his say. The story relates to the song "All I Ever Wanted" by Kelly Clarkson so if you feel like finding the song, I highly recommend it. Enjoy!


"All I Ever Wanted"

I sit quietly in my office attempting to finish the paperwork from our latest case. This one was quite simple; we caught the guy within a matter of hours of him robbing the bank. If only all our cases were that easy. Then again, if all our cases _**were**_ that easy, my lab would have nothing to do and we'd all need to find different jobs.

For some odd reason despite the simplistic nature of the case, I can't seem to concentrate on finishing the report and other paperwork to officially close it. I started at around 10 pm and it's now well past midnight. I'm finding it impossible for my mind to stop wandering. My fingers are poised above my keyboard but no matter how much I want them to, the words just won't come. My eyes scan the room for a moment and I catch myself getting lost in thought again. I take a deep breath and steel myself to finish the report, waiting for my fingers to start typing.

No such luck.

I glance at the clock again and suddenly the reason for my inability to concentrate hits me.

It's Claire's birthday today.

I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me and I can't catch my breath. I quickly press "save" on my computer screen and shut down the machine. I can hardly hear the shut down sequence. I push my chair back and stand. As if on autopilot I march to the light switch by the door to my office and swat it into an off position with my right hand. Save for the light coming in from the hallway, my office is now in complete darkness.

Now is one of the times I wish the commissioner hadn't insisted on building me a completely glass-enclosed office.

My back is to the door and I think of heading back over to my chair but I feel almost paralyzed and I have to will myself to move before it actually happens. My pace back to my desk is less harried and determined this time. I feel utterly drained and lost; I vaguely register that this feeling is reminiscent of a sort of trance or hypnosis.

My body sinks into my chair and my hand blindly reaches across my desk for my water bottle. Normally I would drink something much stronger than water but the practice is frowned upon because I'm technically still on the clock. If Stella were here, it's likely she would have driven me home (either to my place or hers) and given me wine or maybe even something stronger if she thought I needed it. She would probably make me sit on her window sill to think all my emotions through, as she's done in the past. Oddly, it's somehow therapeutic. I can't explain why but it's nice just sitting there with her, even if we're not talking. I want her to be here now that I'm thinking about Claire but I remember that she went home awhile ago. I feel incredibly alone, isolated, and empty and I turn my chair around so that I'm looking out the window to the city. If I can't sit on a window sill, I might as well try to find something similar. I open my bottle and take a long drink of water.

I've never told anyone, except that woman who was trapped inside her own body, about how I'd gotten rid of everything that reminded me of Claire. I gave all of her clothing away to charities, threw away anything that wasn't useable, and tore up all but a few treasured pictures. The only thing that's remained untouched for nine years is that beach ball. Even now I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

The thought of the beach ball brings back memories of everything we used to do together and I can feel the old ache in my chest that I'd lived with for five years after Claire's death. I can't describe how much I miss her, though Stella always seems to understand without me saying a word.

I thought Peyton understood. I knew that Claire would have wanted me to try to be happy again and I thought that I found that with Peyton. Of course, she was nothing short of incredible and I valued our relationship for the time that it lasted. Now and again I find myself missing the connection that I had with her, for however brief a time. Maybe what I had with Peyton reminded me of what I had with Claire. Maybe that was the reason why I took it so hard after she ended everything. In a letter.

Stella wasn't exactly supportive of the way that Peyton left. But sitting with her, just being around her seemed to make everything almost bearable.

Peyton was a second chance at happiness for me and she couldn't even end it face to face.

Claire was taken away against her will. Peyton left completely of her own volition.

I don't resent Peyton and I'm certainly not holding a grudge against her. But I will never forget everything that happened. And when she came back I almost didn't want to see her. It was on the border of being too much. I knew that there was a chance that I could feel something beyond a general liking for her again and I didn't want that. I distanced myself as much as possible, for both our benefit.

And now, there's Aubrey. She's pretty, smart, funny, and she has a quick wit. She's successful and careful. It seems like we would make a decent match. I'm almost sure that there are bets around the lab competing for when we'll "just get together already." I always have a good time when I'm around Aubrey but I'm too hesitant to try taking a chance like that again. Granted, I was the one who orchestrated our meeting after initially seeing her in the deli but I've realized the dangers of trying something like that again. I'm not sure if I want to do that.

Stella would probably encourage me to at least try a relationship with Aubrey. She's always been trying to get me to open up and have fun again, of course without being too pushy. I give her the credit for giving me the guts to date Peyton.

To be honest, dating Aubrey wouldn't be bad. It might actually be fun. But we've built up such a close friendship that, if it didn't work out between us, we'd probably both be hurt. I don't know about Aubrey but I definitely don't want to go back there again. It wouldn't be fair to either of us, so maybe it's better to just stay away.

I take a long gulp of my water and find myself wishing, yet again, that Stella was here. She would give me beneficial advice in a completely different perspective than I would have ever seen before. She'd sit with me, her hand in mine or on my shoulder, silently telling me it's acceptable to feel uncertain and lost. She'd tell me with her eyes that she'll help me get through whatever was going to happen and that she'll always be there, even when I get tired of her.

I told her once that she's the strongest person I know and that I wouldn't (and couldn't) do this job without her. I hope she's never doubted that because I meant every word. Stella is my best friend and that will never change.

I lift my water bottle up to my mouth to take another sip when a thought hits me. My hand stops in midair and my mouth hangs open.

Every time I've thought about the women in my life, my thoughts always return to Stella. Her face, her expressions, her eyes, her reactions. Maybe it's because I'm so used to her being around that I can't imagine my life without her. I know what she would say to shut up an unruly suspect and the way she raises her eyebrows when Danny or Adam say something strange. I've memorized the looks in her eyes for every emotion. I know Stella better than I know myself and I'm confident she's the same way about me.

She's always been there no matter what. Despite everything she's had to deal with, she always fights and she always comes back.

I remember the look on her face when I announced that I was going to London with Peyton. She smiled a bit and tilted her head to the side. As if she was curious but also understood. Peyton said I adored her that day. And she was right. I wouldn't have gone on vacation with her for ten days if I didn't adore her.

And then I remember something. After we returned from Greece and Stella and I sat on my couch in my office reading coffee grounds, _**Stella**_ said that I adored _**her**_. Thinking about it now, I know she's right, as always. We couldn't have stayed friends for this long if I didn't adore her. I smirk a bit as I remember the grin on her face and the sarcastic note in her voice as she read my coffee grounds.

I watch a streetlight outside flicker and completely burn out as I experience one more realization. Or maybe the more appropriate term is an epiphany.

I don't just care about Stella or even just adore her. My feelings about her are so much more than that; my need to see her and to be around her; how accustomed I am to having her in my life; how I can guess what she'll say and how she'll react to something before she acts. It's all so obvious now.

Stella isn't just my best friend anymore. Everything I've been looking for since Claire died has been right in front of me. All I've ever wanted was to be close to Stella.

I know it may be a bit hypocritical of me but I know what I have to do now. It didn't work with Peyton and it would never work with Aubrey because they aren't Stella. And now that I know that, I need to tell her. We've wasted enough time and we've been dancing around each other for long enough.

I can feel my heart race as I pick up my phone without even looking at the time on the clock on my desk. I dial the one number I know by heart and I wait for her normal "Bonasera" to answer me on the other end.

But she doesn't pick up. My eyes glance at the clock. It's 3:30 in the morning; no wonder why she's not answering.

Her phone goes to voicemail and I hear her prerecorded voice speak quietly in my ear. I wait until just before the beep to hang up.

I know I don't need to leave a message. Stella's my best friend and knows me better than she knows anyone else.

I don't have to tell her "I'm ready." I'm sure she already knows.


End file.
